dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
