I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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