OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
