she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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