explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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