Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
