I cannot find my penis.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
