I just pynch a tree in the face
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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