If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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