I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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