I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
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we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
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My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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