i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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