Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
