I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
