How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
