There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
