ya dads aren't the best wingmen
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
