Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
