Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
