so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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