Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
