is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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