I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
