this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
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You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
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They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
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