if i can run in heels then i can drive
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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