It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
