I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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