There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
