Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
