Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
