You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
