I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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