I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
