We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
