I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
