What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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