I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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