I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
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