I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
