for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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