i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
