Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
