i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
