You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
