i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
