who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
