don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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