The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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