but the lizard people decide everything anyway
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
