So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
