And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
