He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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