You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
