I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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