Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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