I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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