I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
