He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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