The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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