I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
