There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
