im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
