Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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