Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
