A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
